Access Saga, The Other Application
by 1chi50
Summary: Had to re-write chapter 2 because the school comp didn't include the formatting I used. Blag
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters listed below. Excel Saga isn't mine either, but if it was, please call the authorities right now to institutionalize me.  
  
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Access Saga, The Other Application  
  
Street Fighter/Excel Saga x-over  
  
Chap 1- Hail IlPalazzo!!!  
  
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The room was dark. It was most definitely dark with its badly placed ominous lighting, throwing the light in really bad directions that somehow managed to illuminate nothing important at all. It was the type of room that great evil plans were made. Three particular lights illuminated three particular figures, not to say that they were un-important, but to show that they were in the room.  
  
"Hail Ilpalazzo-sama!" Screamed the one with the short brown hair. I would've liked to say she yelled, but her voice was much to grating for that.  
  
The other one, attempted to salute and mimic her partner. However, when Ilpalazzo-sama grinned at her, another emotion completely took over.  
  
So instead of yelling, screaming, or exclaiming "Hail Ilpalazzo!" She ran across the room, toward the stone throne, which illuminated an imposing figure in red, who had a big stupid grin on his face, and cried out "Die Bison! Damn you!!"  
  
Sakura Kasugano scratched her nose and watched as Bison was beat to a bloody pulp. "Anoooou....Cammy-san. You're not supposed to beat up our boss..."  
  
Blood splattering onto her face, she screamed, "Ah hell! I've beat up my boss before! I could do it again dammit!!!"  
  
"..." Disagreed the bloody pulp that was Bison from the floor.  
  
"Ah dammit...Take two!" Yelled Sakura at the director.  
  
-------  
  
The room was dark. It was most definitely dark with its bad lighting ominously throwing the light in really bad directions like Michael Jordan on the baseball field. It somehow managed to illuminate nothing at all, at least nothing important. It was the type of room that great evil plans were made. Three particular lights illuminated three particular figures. Not to say that they were un-important.  
  
"Hail Ilpalzzo-sama!" Squeeled the one with two blond pigtails. I would've liked to say she yelled, but her present incarnation's voice was much to high-pitched for that.  
  
Ah, She thought to herself. Now here's someone who I can tolerate.  
  
The other girl, attempted to salute and say the same thing as her partner. However, when Il-palazzo-sama looked at her with his trademark totally bland emotionless face, another emotion completely took over.  
  
So instead of yelling, screaming, or exclaiming "Hail Ilpalazzo!" She ran across the room, toward the stone throne which illuminated an imposing figure in white who had as much emotion on his face as a stone wall, and cried out "Ryuuuuuuu-saaaaamaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!"  
  
Cammy watched as Sakura tackled Ryu through the stone throne, possibly breaking his back.  
  
Cammy blinked, then turned to the directors.  
  
"Medic!" She yelled.  
  
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"Whose the man with the master plan who wears a pink gi like no one else can??!"  
  
"DAN!!" Squeaked a mysterious female voice.  
  
"You damn right." Oozed Dan as he winked at his two followers, like Steven Segal high on crack.  
  
"NEXT!" yelled Sakura and Cammy.  
  
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"..." Said Cammy.  
  
"..." Said Sakura.  
  
"..." Said Akuma  
  
"Anou..." Said Sakura.  
  
"I will eat your soul and wear you're skin as a hat." Said Akuma.  
  
"Criminy, someone get a replacement, please!" Said Cammy.  
  
-------  
  
Sakura would've been screaming her head off by now, but Darkstalkers had incredibly strong grips.  
  
"MMPH!" Screamed Sakura.  
  
"I vill suck your bvlood!" Exclaimed Demitri, illegally putting in a 'V' where it shouldn't be.  
  
"Cannon Spike!" Said Cammy as she booted the rather overlooked main character of the Darkstalker series, who was usurped by his co-star who had just the right assets for the target audience, and launched him into the outer stratosphere.  
  
Making a cutting motion across her throat, she grinned cockily, "That'll show you, you bloody f'n arsehole!"  
  
"Ow..." Said Sakura from the floor.  
  
------  
  
Cammy and Sakura watched as the gurney was lead out by the two medics.  
  
"Poor Gen-san!" Cried Sakura as she bounced. The hems of her shirt flapped up to show off her sports bra, "He was so healthy for an old man, I can't believe he would just die like that."  
  
"Looks like he had a heart attack..." Said Cammy, as she pulled at that piece of cloth that always seemed to ride up her ass when she wore her Shadowlaw unfirom.  
  
Sakura turned toward her, her skirt flaring up slightly to show off her red panties, "Oh that's terrible! I wonder what caused it?"  
  
Cammy turned around, presenting the stone throne that Gen had sat on, her bare ass, "Geez I dunno. Maybe he ate something that didn't agree with him..."  
  
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The stage crew, Cammy, and Sakura sat around the studio, pondering their present situation.  
  
"Aaaahh.." Sighed Cammy, "This is hopeless...Maybe this was a bad idea..."  
  
Sakura swung her legs under her as she sat on a large wooden box, "But Karin-san, Ken-san, Chunli-san, and Guile-san wanted to see this!" She whined.  
  
Cammy glared at Sakura, "And whose idea was it to show those guys Excel- saga in the first place? Huh??"  
  
Sakura edged away from her and hid behind her hands, "Sorry."  
  
Cammy leaned back in her chair, and looked at the ceiling, "But what can we do? We just can't find a good Ilpalazzo-sama."  
  
Suddenly, Sakura's eyes brightened and she snapped her fingers, "Hey! I know someone who could play a good Ilpallazzo-sama!!" She exclaimed.  
  
Cammy quirked an eyebrow, "Oh yeah? Who?"  
  
Sakura grinned at her, "Well you might know him. He was in the last tournament. He's already a snazzy dresser, and he's already a master at looking bishounen!"  
  
Cammy furrowed her eyebrows in concentration, "Who... " Then her eyes widened in realization, "You don't mean..." She said making clawing motions with her hands.  
  
"Unn!" She nodded enthusiastically.  
  
Cammy rubbed her chin thoughtfully, "Hmmm...Well, that might not be such a bad idea." Mentally, she calculated that at worse he would destroy the set they working on. That meant they wouldn't have to do this production anymore. Plus, he would end up paying for his own actions...  
  
"OK!" Exclaimed Cammy, "Let's get him!"  
  
"Yeah!" Squealed Sakura throwing a fist into the air.  
  
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*Knock Knock*  
  
Deep sexy male Voice: "Who is it?"  
  
Two Female Voices: "Special Delivery!"  
  
Surprised sexy Male Voice: "What??"  
  
*Bam* *Crash*  
  
High Pitched Female Voice: "Cannon Spike!"  
  
Tomboyishly Rough Female Voice: "Shouoken!"  
  
Incredibly pissed off Sexy Male Voice: "Godammit!"  
  
Female Voice: "I think we got him!"  
  
Incredibly Angry Raging Blood of the Destoryer God Sexy Male Voice: "GWOOOOH!"  
  
Female Voice: "Ah my god! He's biting me!"  
  
Sexy Male voice full of clothing: "Shonno Mama Sfhin-ne!!"  
  
*Whiff* *Bang* *FWWWOOSH*  
  
Female Voice: "Argh! My eye!"  
  
Female Voice: "Ah!! My skirts on fire! Put it out! put it out!"  
  
Female Voice: "Let Go dammit!"  
  
*Whap* *Bam* *Whap* *Bam* *Whap* *Bam* *Whap* *Bam* *Boing* *Squeaky squeaky* *BAM*  
  
Dazed Sexy Male Voice: "...Stupid...women...."  
  
"Haha! We did it!"  
  
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The room was dark. It was very dark. The light threw ominous shadows, mostly because the lighting crew was too lazy to set the lamps up correctly. It looked like the type of room that great evil plans were made. Three particular lights illuminated three particular figures. Two of them stood next to a throne where another figure was bound with rubber cables.  
  
"Hail Ilpalzzo-sama!" Screamed two women, one with the short brown hair, and one with long blond pigtails.  
  
Iori Yagami, the red haired bastard child of the cursed Orochi clan who was not Irish by the way, glared at the both them.  
  
"I will kill the both you..." He growled ferally under his breath.  
  
"Ah C'mon Iori, what's your problem?" Asked Cammy, standing at his left.  
  
"Jeez I don't know," He grumbled, "Maybe its because you came to my house, beat the hell out of me, put me in an incredibly bad looking dress and tied me to a chair."  
  
Sakura placed a hand on one of his two foot long iron shoulder pads, "Just play along with us a little longer, 'k Iori-kun?"  
  
Iori tried to bite her hand off, but the metal shoulder pads and the fact that he was tied to a chair, limited his movement.  
  
"This world is an evil place." Snarled Iori.  
  
"Good!" Yelled Cammy, "Now louder and with more emotion!"  
  
"ARGH!" He replied, throwing his head back and screaming at God, who he now knew was a heartless bastard.  
  
"See, told you he'd make a good Ilpalazzo," Said Sakura over Iori's head.  
  
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Next Episode: Ryu is dead.  
  
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To Be continued?  
  
Author's note: That was fun! ^_^ 


	2. Chapter 2.0000000001

Access Saga- Part 2.0000000000000000000000000000001  
  
We Get Signal!  
  
(Damn school computer! It didn't include the page breaks I had typed in! BTW: I apologize for the general oddness of this chapter. I wrote this in something like 10 to 15 minutes, right before I took the final exam to my English class. Anyway, Enjoy)  
  
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A deal was finally worked out between the actors.  
  
Sakura would have her days...and nights with Ryu, Cammy would be allowed to beat the crap snot out of Bison at least once every day, and Iori would have his Ferrari Testarossa, his condo in Miami, and his 1 million dollars (he cursed himself for not asking for more.) This deal was worked out because they really needed to something about Iori's slight disagreement the general production.  
  
It started like this.  
  
"I'm playing IlPalazzo?" Iori asked Sakura one day.  
  
"Yeap!" Chirped Sakura with her usual exuberance.  
  
Her cheerfulness was totally lost on the depressive angry red headed Japanese man.  
  
"This is IlPalazzo from Excel Saga, right?" Asked Iori of his co-star.  
  
"That's right. Is there a problem with that Iori-kun?" Said Cammy, emphasizing the 'kun', as she walked into the room.  
  
Iori replied by glaring at her with evil stare #245, which meant 'dammit woman, I'm gonna tear your throat out!' Which was usually confused with evil stare #199, which meant 'dammit you insect, I'm gonna tear you're throat out!'  
  
"IlPalazzo right? He's the white haired bishounen boss of Excel and Hyatt, right?"  
  
"Wow, you sure know you're Excel Saga, don't you Iori!"  
  
Iori stared at Sakura. "I take it you're playing Excel?"  
  
Sakura gave him a thumbs up, "That's right! I Sakura Kasugano, will try my hardest to mimic the main character of Excel Saga, Excel! Although, I'm not sure if I'm cheerful enough to do the role right, but that's not to say I'm depressed at all! It'snotlikeI'm takingProzac, which is an eeeevil eeevil drug that makes you too happy, like youtookoomuchmarijuanaandyouwanttojumpinfrontofacar!"  
  
Cammy and Iori stared at Sakura as she tried to catch her breath after her long tirade.  
  
Iori then looked to Cammy, who grinned nervously and shrugged.  
  
Iori then stared at Sakura again. Then he turned on his heel and threw out the script he was holding. "I quit."  
  
"Cannon Drill!"  
  
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Later on, after tying Iori to a chair, they worked out a deal where he would get everything that he asked for, as long as he played along. He was actually quite surprised they played along with him, but hey.he had no complaints as long as he was getting his cherry red Ferrari.  
  
Then it hit him.  
  
"Hey, how are you gonna afford a Ferrari?"  
  
Sakura looked at Cammy.  
  
Cammy looked at Sakura.  
  
"Well, our producer should be able to pay for all that. I heard he's rich." Said Sakura to Cammy.  
  
Cammy gave her a confused look, "Hey, I've been meaning to ask you that. Who in the hell is producing this anyway?"  
  
Sakura blinked, then smiled brightly, "Oh you don't know? I thought I told you before!"  
  
Cammy shook her head.  
  
Iori suddenly had a very bad feeling about this.  
  
"Well its..."  
  
Suddenly a large man walked into the room. A large man in an expensive red suit, who had a mustache better fitted for a character in Miami Vice than a fighting character.  
  
"Hello my friends!" Bellowed Rugal Bernstein.  
  
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After pulling Iori off Rugal, they told their producer about the deal they worked out with Iori. Rugal wasn't very happy about it, but he didn't dare say anything in front of the drooling slathering growling Iori. Watching the two, Sakura and Cammy realized how good a bargaining chip Iori was, and they used him to make their own deals.  
  
"I want to beat the crap out of Bison every day!" Screamed Cammy.  
  
Rugal shook his head. "You can't do that! I'm working out a major arms deal with him right now!"  
  
"Oh Iori!" She cooed.  
  
"Growwr, snarl, Grr!!!"  
  
"OK OK, you can beat the crap out of Bison as much as your want!" Whined Rugal as he backed away fearfully."  
  
And thus the current contracts were made.  
  
Iori looked at his two compatriots.  
  
"Do we really have to do this?" He asked.  
  
"Yeah!" Exclaimed Sakura.  
  
Cammy turned aside to him and whispered, "C'mon just play along with this for a while. I get the beat the crap out of Bison as much as I want out of this. And with you around, we can make more deals right."  
  
Iori grinned slyly at her, "You're an evil woman, Cammy White."  
  
She shrugged indifferently, "Well I am partially a clone of M.Bison y'know."  
  
He stared at her a bit longer, looking her up and down. Then he turned his head away and made face.  
  
"Dammit!"  
  
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Current Cast:  
  
Sakura Kasugano- Excel (Sakura: Wai!)  
  
Cammy White- Hyatt (Cammy: ...why?)  
  
Iori Yagami- Ilpalazzo (Iori: #^&@^#&!^#)  
  
Rugal Bernstein- Koshi Rikudo (Rugal: Gawdammit why in blazes am I the frickin manga-ka! You're writing this Edward, so you should be Koshi! I'm producing this frickin thing, apparently, so I should be able to give myself a bigger part! Like Nabeshin or something!)  
  
(Leftwing Extremist Edward appears. He (she?) appears as Radical Edward from the Cowboy BeBop series. Except...er...it wears Camouflage print military pants, sneakers, and a painfully bright red Hawaiian shirt. It still sports the goggles, red afro, and dark skin though.)  
  
(Edward: Oh quit yer bitchin. I refuse to make myself a self insert character, so you're gonna take my place. OK?)  
  
(Rugal: You bastard! *pause*...Waitaminnit...I was named producer, right? Heh heh. BWAHAHAHAHA!!)  
  
(Edward: Oh god...)  
  
---[tbc?]--- 


End file.
